Bujud

I was checking out one of my friend's blog, and then I realized "DAMN, I am fucking newbie on this whole writing stuff". I have never been really good on writing. No wonder, when it came the google era, or even worse the google translate, all I was doing is copying and paste.

Phiufff, but at least I realized where is my weakness, and I got excited to make my self even better. But, maybe because I am not so used on reading, so I don't get what it so called enlightenment on writing department.

Who cares, the only person who read my blogs is Yoana Megawati. Cute friend of mine, deep down inside I always envy her. How she take cares her books, her stuff to do, all things are so organize. And, when it comes to writing and doing some design stuff, she is WAY better than I do. I admit it.

I do wonder, why people make friends with me. I have nothing to offer actually. I don't do sharing, but I ask a lot from friends. Hem, being a bad friend..aakkakakakakka..time to be a better person to my friends. Sorry gals I'll be a better friends to you gals. Promise!

Me in my own drama

Some time I do love romantic drama, soap opera or other reality shows; that might be not any kind of guy would ever understand it. Girls just like the emotional roller coaster that the characters go through, and deeps inside wish their own life just as exciting and unpredictable.

I don't have any much drama actually, but I am keep up to make my own drama.

At the first time, I live far away from my family; I thought it will be different this time. I have the freedom I wish for since I was teenager. I wished I can get out with any guy that I wanted, doing things that I will be responsible for my self. Be a trash for a while and then be an angel on the next day. I like to believe, people have angel and devil inside. It's OK to be bad once in a while, but also have to maintain your life, don't ever screw up your future.

I hope friends can help me out, since I only rely on them for anything, but in the end I realize it's the thing that I have to handle on my own.

Me and my family and my BFF are at opposite pools of the world *being so hyperbola*, it could cost a fortune if whenever I feel empty inside, if I should call them.

I am starting try to enjoying everything. I am no more Ms. Have work to do. I was a girl that if my friends ask who's up for a dinner or a movie, I will said that sounds lovely, but I have work to do, it happens for 4 years of my golden year. My teenage age.

I am strive to get back those days. But, sometime I was not myself, an awfully needy. But, to maintains my new world I refused to say anything more. I couldn't bear my new friends who barely know me overhear the real me. Telling how sad you are, or how poor you are and keep crying while you do the story tell about your poor life were amusing, but not at the expense of my new image.

> ^^<

That's why I kinda booked up for any events, but I put my health and beauty sleep on the waiting list. It says that not everything would go back to the day I left for this.

I wind up to be a miserable bitch again.

JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH sedih banget ceritanya...akakakkakakakak...but sounds cool, even though no one will understand this. Even my self. I just put any words that sounds good, that I just heard it. And try to make the sentences,it's quite good though, for a newbie to write such things..akakakkakakak...

ENJOY friends!

Learning to form a great sentences

I actually thought this time would be different

I actually could help him out, be he said he has to handle on his own.

A:I can help you out

B:I think this is something I have to handle on my own

He act like a kid, I actually thought that this time would be different, since we are growing apart (if people grow apart, their relationships gradually changes and they become less close). When he was denied financial aid at Yale, I could actually help him out, be he said he has to handle on his own.

I have to handle this on my own, even though he can help me out. But I feel guilt surrounding me if I accept his offer. He maybe thought this time would be the same, but it is different now.

He always said every problem that faced, I should handle it on my own. But this time is different, I am facing a complicated situations, and he said he will help me out.

He said he will help me out, but now he got stuck on traffic, it could take hours for him to be here. I thought I have to handle this on my own. I though this time could be different, that he can be somehow my "SUPERMAN".

I have this relationship for about a month, it happens on the summer vacation. Now, we have to face the fact that our schools are opposite poles of Taiwan. If we take bus, it could take hours. We kind will have a gradually less close feeling. And because of that, I kind of have not been my self tonight, and he caught that. But I kind a good on hiding my feelings, I said that I really haven't been myself for all day actually. He got worry and ask is everything alright? and I said: " I am just a little tired, but I'm fine"

Making sentences

This is from The Diary of a Wimpy Kids

Thursday

Tonight Mom came up to my room, and she had a flyer on her hand. As soon as I saw it, I knew EXACTLY what it was.

--new sentences--

Last night I went out with him, and he had someone with him. As soon as I saw her, I knew EXACTLY who she is.

Last Sunday, Miranda called me on skype, and she said she had something to say. As soon as I hear that, I knew EXACTLY what she wants.

Last night Mom came up to my room, she was holding a invitation card on her hand. As soon I saw it, I knew EXACTLY what it was.

It was an announcement that the school is having tryouts for a winter play. Man, I should have thrown that thing out when I saw it on the kitchen table.

--New sentences--

It was a wedding invitation that Tina and her rich boyfriend is going to tie the knot. Shoot, I should have thrown that out, when I saw it on the kitchen table.

It was a fined that I park the car in the front of some stores. Pff, I should have thrown that out when I saw it on the front door.

I BEGGED her not to make me sign up. Those school plays are always musicals and the last thing I need is to have to sing a solo in front of the whole school.

But all my begging seemed to do was make Mom more sure I should do it.

Mom said the only way I was going to be "well-rounded" was by trying different things.

Dad came in my room to see what was going on. I told Dad that Mom was making me sign up for the school play, and that if I had to start going to play practices, it would totally mess up my weight-lifting schedule.

I knew that would make Dad take my side. Dad and Mom argued for a few minutes, but Dad was no match for Mom.

So that means tomorrow I've got to audition for my school play.

Intersection

Come out with a realization

that, the whole 22 years I spend, I spend with people that thinks about how to making money, how to makes business. And now, I am in intersection will I throw away my life chasing non-money oriented life?

Can I be that person?or do I want to be that person?

I don't think I able to do that, giving my life to lives in so called-enough life. I want more than enough.

Today I learned about

It is really good to spend my whole day sit in front of my computer.

who said unemployed isn't productive. I am productive, at least I try to be productive, I try to learn something when I can't earn anything.

In fact, I was (I said was or I still do) quite sad, when all my friends are working. A lots of them are auditors, housewives or housewife gonna be, or my friends in Taiwan which lots of them going back to their home countries, meet their family, or they have a part time jobs to make them busy.

Me, in other hand, wake up and sleep whenever I want. Yeah, I know, I will be so complaining if I say this unemployed or unoccupied makes me really bored. But, dude! I do feel that I way, I keep thinking what will make my life valuable, what things that will make me feel really proud of.

Let make a list,

Accounting --> nope, I am far away from good. I am okay, I can learn it *again*, but surely I am not born with amazing abilities in Accounting *who even born with it..akakak...lol*

English --> upssssss....I try so hard to be good on that, I have a hard time to talk with foreigner, it even so hard for me to makes a joke. So, damn yeah I still have to working on it, really hard. Just so I can be in the part of my social circle of friends here.

Mandarin --> wwwwhooooo...hell no! even though I am Indonesian Born Chinese (hell yeah IBC)..plus I live in country where all of the people speaks in Mandarin. Hell yeah...nopes, my mandarin is sucks! really...ouch snap! Just realize I wasted my 1 year without learning anything..ajajajjaj...it's OK, at least I realized it.

Leadership -->mmmmmm...me leading?yeah I had give it a shot! quite good in fact. But, all I can say, being a leader is hard. People who do that is a hard-core *respect to all good leaders*. Because leaders is not being a delegating jobs to subordinate, but make them respect and follow you, and being a leader means you have to sacrifice a lot...damn a lot. But, yeah I'll keep doing it, it is for me to improve my self.

Boyfriend --> DAMN! Slap in the face!..akakakkaka...I haven't got that one. Even tough I flew far away from Jakarta, from other cold-hearted guys in Jakarta..akakaka..nups! I still don't get any luck regarding that one. You know when I have one. ALLLLLLLLLLL of my family and friends will get heart attack *because haaaaappiness, that..I get one, before it's too late, before my ovary get dry..akakkakaka*..I am so damn pathetic..ajajajjaja...No, don't worry..because lots of guys chasing on me *believe it, please*..akakakkakak...

But, lets back to the topic, todaaaaay I learned about Ansel Adams, he is a good photographer, I saw a lot of his masterpiece. He is good. Go to google and search him.

and, I know there is oil split in near Rote Island because oil drilling that leaked (mmm...I am not sure about it, but when I try to checked it again on Jakarta Post, I don't know where the article is..ajajajaj...sorry)

and, I know the world is so damn big. It is BIG and lots opportunity on this BIG world..I hope someday I can explore this BIG world with someone I love...friends that I love, family that I love, a man that I love.

Am I Trying too Hard? Part III

The main point why I made this blog is so I can learn how to said what in my mind in no time. I really do have a hard time on that. I am no good on how to impress people with words. And, know I am learning on how to good with words.

Words are amazingly important when it comes to social life. When you are in working environment, you need to persuade people a lot, make them believe on you, and furthermore make you believe in yourself that you can do it.

I do believe I can get everything that I want, if I work hard enough.

Sometimes, it is so damn hard to believe in your self, and then you will keep asking is this really what you want?that's the point when you gonna start to give up.

Am I trying too hard, is this really isn't fit for me? that I am born with it, born without any good. But, do I really try so hard to believe in my self? believe that I can do it, to make people believe that I am so GOOOOOOOOOOD!

yeah, someday this blog will give me a lot flash back memory on how I feel on that moment.

Am I Trying too Hard? Part II

Jaaaaaaaahh...

really it takes only less than 20 minutes, for me start the part II of my "AM I TRYING TOO HARD". After showed off to my dearly friend Yoana Megawati about my blog. I really need viewer of my drama, viewer of what I write, who can give me a comment. (Btw, do you realized I used viewer not a reader..because I want everyone who comes to this blog and read it, can experienced my life and like a viewer they either give applause or scorn and blasphemy.

scorn is contempt or disdain felt toward a person or object considered despicable or unworthy (caci maki maksudnya)

blasphemy is a contemptuous or profane act (hujatan)

Back to the topic, I mean back to the title. Am I Trying so Hard?

After I graduated from my lovely Atma Jaya Catholica University. I worked in one of the biggest Accounting Firm which is Ernst and Young. Yuppps.. It was my dream to be able to join that firm. But, on the way I got disappointed, really I don't matter about the overtime, in fact I love it!!!

I like to paid more!! when my senior said "guys...tonight we will have overtime"..huaaaaaaaa... I am so happy, and when I have to work on weekend that doubled my happiness as it doubled my salary..akakkakakka...*but it doesn't happen really often...*SHOT*-so don't ever think I have enormous amount of money

But, still I don't feel happy at all work there. I wonder why? and I don't know why actually. But I am guessing maybe I don't get the respect that I ever wanted.

I realized I am not a responsible look alike girl. And, because I also don't believe in my self also, when someone give me responsibility. But, I do craving for responsibility, and I need someone, a leader, a boss, a boyfriend, a husband that can give me the responsibility. But also at the same time, he have to be able to make me feel I am capable, and when I do a mistake he have to make me feel the mistake isn't that big after all.

Huff..in the end I haven't told you what the relation with 'trying too hard'..seems like you guys have to wait...! *akakakka..like anyone would read this, just one as I know..YOAN..please read this*

Am I Trying too Hard?

Ahahahhaha...

I laugh on myself, I made a blog!!

huh..

never cross in my mind before, to make such a blog. I remembered, when I know my friend had a blog. I laughed. Because, why you wasting your time on writing blog!

I am not a big fans of writing. I cannot explain thing in words. I am really bad at it. I can show you or proof you with number, graphics or picture and expects you to understand it by yourtself. Yeaaaaah..because I even not a big fan of reading, I defined myself as some one that more visualized (is it even correct??!!)

But, don't you guys! whoever that maybe read my blog will curious why in the end I made this?

I got a big slap on my face, on my recent year, when I face the reality, the social, the working environment. After I graduated, I realized number isn't important, how you manage to explain the number is far more worthed.

And, I do realize I write thing not in order, the one who read it I bet must be really confused. Because, I don't actually know where to start, I am mumbling (is it a word?)

*Just went from the super GOOGLE and find out that mumbling is a word, and amazingly I can write it correctly! yeayi...credit for myself. Ups..forget here the result of me ask Mr.Google

mumblingpresent participle of mum·ble (Verb)

1. Say something indistinctly and quietly, making it difficult for others to hear.

2. Bite or chew with toothless gums or eat without making much use of the teeth. *

ahahahhaha...can I said that I am mumbling??? now..ohhhh...I am babbling!...huh..what even that mean..*wait*

Tadaaaaaaaaaaa....so I babbling now...

bab·ble (bbl)

v. bab·bled, bab·bling, bab·bles

v.intr.

1. To utter a meaningless confusion of words or sounds: Babies babble before they can talk.

2. To talk foolishly or idly; chatter: "In 1977 [he] was thought of as crazy because he was babbling about supply side" (Newt Gingrich).

3. To make a continuous low, murmuring sound, as flowing water.

v.tr.

1. To utter rapidly and indistinctly.

2. To blurt out impulsively; disclose without careful consideration.

n.

1. Inarticulate or meaningless talk or sounds.

2. Idle or foolish talk; chatter.

3. A continuous low, murmuring sound, as of flowing water.

hah...at least I got something from this..kikiikki...

Hem, I haven't told you why I suddenly made a blog right..I'll do it tomorrow. that's what I say! I am no good on writing!